Thursday, November 1, 2007

Alright. I lied.


Everything is a disaster. It's all fucked.

I know I said my next post would be more positive, but it's kinda hard to write about puppy noses and chocolate covered gerbils when your whole fucking world is crashing down around you.

So I went to the party last night dressed up as the slutty police officer, right. Well guess who showed up with the exact same fucking costume.

You guessed it! Hot, alto, style biting Emma.

If I wasn't already dead, I probably would have died from the embarrassment then and there.

My first instinct when I saw her was to bolt, run home and put on something...anything...other than what I was wearing. But it was too late. Eileen, Emma's friend (and a shitty soprano) saw me and screamed, "OH...MY...GAWD! Emma! Some bitch is wearing your costume!" At which point, hot, alto, style biting, enraged Emma saw me and was all like, "SCOTT!?!"

Alright, maybe it was here that I would have died if I weren't already dead.

Then she stormed over to me, holding a Jello shot, and started screaming, "What are you doing dressing up as a slutty police woman! (k...she didn't say "slutty") I'm the [slutty] police woman! You can't be the [slutty] police woman! You're not even a [slutty] woman! You're a boy! I can't believe you!"

And I froze. I didn't quite know what to say. So I just said the first thing that came to my mind. "I'm not a [slutty] police woman [hot, alto, style biting, enraged yet still ravenously edible] Emma. I'm...you."

Ok. It should be said. I'mmmmmmmm...not the smoothest when it comes to women. I can hold my own, but when I get all nervous, I choke. My mouth opens up and the wrong things come out. So, when I said that I came to the party dressed as (hot, alto, style biting, enraged yet still ravenously edible and now even more enraged) Emma, I could tell that I would be spending the next five minutes digging myself into a grave far deeper than any of my kind has ever (allegedly) clawed their way out of.

"WHAT?!?!?" I think was her reply.

"Ummm...yeah. I dressed up as you. heh heh."

"WHAT?!?!?" I think was her other reply. "You think this is what I look like?!? You think I look like a...a..."

"Slut?" I idiotically finished for her.

Silence. Her face scrunched up like an elderly Muppet. Her Jello shot jiggled furiously.

"Yeah," (oh shit no) "WAIT! No! I don't. It's just..." (lielielielielie) "...I...knew that you were going to be here tonight as a [slutty] police woman and thought it would be funny if, you konw, I did the same thing. (changetacticschangetacticschangetactics) I mean, come on! Lighten up! How many people dress up as freaking zombies for Halloween, huh? You don't see me screaming at everybody who comes dressed up like me, do you?"

She softens a bit, her Jello shot, until now rippling hideously, goes still. She eyes me suspiciously. I think, for a moment, that I may have appeased her. That's the bonus of being a minority. When in doubt, pull the race card. Shit, it works for Al Sharpton. Either way, it looks as if I have her. All I have to do is not fuck up.

(don'tfuckupdon'tfuckupdon'tfuckup)

"But you always come as something dead. Dead disco and that sort of shit. How can you be me? I'm not dead."

(don'tfuckupdon'tfuckupdon'tfuckup)

"Well...we can remedy that."

(FUCKUP!FUCKUP!FUCKUP!)

It's then that (hot, alto, style biting, enraged yet still ravenously edible and even more enraged and totally not going to homecoming with me) Emma threw her Jello shot in my face and stormed away.

Why am I such a fuck up? Why?

Jello shots in the face aren't really that pleasant. They're fucking gross.

And then, to make matters worse, my besterestest friend Jenny walks up, dressed as some dude in a Hawaiian shirt with a parrot.

"That could have gone better." she laments. "Did you really come dressed as her?"

"No. Of course not. I...wait. What are you supposed to be?"

"Me? I'm Magnum PI?"

"Nice! Good call! You didn't even have to splurge for the fake moustache."

At which point Jenny throws her Jello shot in my face and storms off.

Seriously. Jello shots in the face? Fucking ew.

Whatever. Bitches is crazy, right?

Right?

Shit. If I could die, I'd die alone, huh?

Until next time.

FBBLEGGGGGHHHNNNNNNNNNNfuck...

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