I don't want to talk about it.
I just...I don't want to talk about it.
I just want to give you...
The Top-Ten Ways I Would Kill Myself If I Weren't Already Dead.
Brought to you by the fact that I hate my un-life and have been listening to Dido for the last 24 hours.
10) Cry until I die of dehydration
But not fagilly. I'd still want my death to be a manly one. Like if I feel like I'm all cried out, I'll force the tears out like a stubborn turd through my eye sockets. I'd probably die of an aneurism before dehydration, but that's ok. At least I'd be dead.
9) Swallow a frisbee
I don't know. I saw it here once. It made me wish I was alive so I could at least have the option of taking my life in such an original fashion. I envy you livers.
8) Smoke 9,986,400 cigarettes at once
They say smoking one cigarette takes three minutes off your life. If I was alive, I'd have 57 years left in me. That's 29,959,200 minutes. Divide that by three and that's how many cigarettes I'd have to smoke at once to die immediately. Granted, I'd need a mouth the size of a small country to smoke that many cigarettes at the same time. But if I did, I'd name that country "Flavor Country".
7) Sing the complete, Broadway Cast Recording of "Jekyll and Hyde" featuring David Hasselhoff
Because, really, you have nowhere to go but dead after you've sunk so low.
6) Go back to 1997 and be Michael Hutchence
But not fagilly. I just love INXS. But his death did need more rock to it. I'd add more tattoos and fewer broom handles.
5) Death by fjord
I don't really know what a fjord is, but I know that people die from them all the time. It sounds pretty manly, I guess. "Built fjord tough!" I just don't really know how to get a fjord to kill me. Do I mock it?
4) Die for your sins
I wouldn't mind going out Jesus style. He is the MAN!
3) Share a Coke with a gay guy with AIDS
They say that sharing a Coke with a gay guy with AIDS won't put you at risk for getting the AIDS. Something about how the Coke will kill the virus before it gets in your system or something. But I don't believe them. I mean, it didn't work for Emma that time she douched with it to have an abortion. She had to have an actual abortion instead. Anyway, I think I'm bad enough that I deserve to get AIDS. But I don't want to do the other stuff homos do to get it. Besides, I like Coke. And quilts.
2) Shoot myself in the foot
Which I've pretty much already done. Emma (notice she's plain ol' Emma now) won't go to the dance with me. Jenny won't talk to me. I may as well be done for. Besides, you always hear about those soldiers in Viet Nam who used to shoot themselves in the foot to go home. Those guys are pussies. Just once I think it would be funny if one of them actually died from their foot wound. But I wouldn't want to just die from something stupid like blood loss from a foot wound. I deserve much worse than that. It's gotta be like, "Hey, Dallas. Did you hear what happened to Zombie?"
"No, Joker, what happened to Zombie?"
"He fucking shot himself in the foot and died!"
"Aw, shit! That fucker owed me five bucks and a pack of nudie cards! Did he fucking bleed to death? That pussy!"
"No, man. Not that fagilly. After he shot himself his wound got all infected."
"Aw, shit! Did he fucking die of jungle rot? That pussy!
"No, man! Hear me out! After he got the infection his wound started to smell. One day the scent attracted some wild boars who tried to eat him, foot first. So he started runnning. Well, because he couldn't get away fast enough because of his hurt foot, the boars caught up with him and started chowing on his feet. And he started screaming for help. Well all that noise attracted an entire VC envoy that was mobilizing to flank his platoon's position. Knowing that he couldn't let the little gook bastards get his buddies, he started shooting at them instead of the pigs that were eating him. He killed every...single...one of those yellow commie fuckers and didn't stop firing until the pigs ate his trigger finger."
"Aw, shit! Did he fucking die of a slow painful death that he could have avoided if he didn't selflessly sacrifice himself for God, Country and Corps? That...awesome som'bitch!"
"Yeah, man! That Zombie was built tough."
"Yeah. Fjord tough. Want a rip on my thai stick?"
"Yeah, man. Pass it over."
"'ear..."
1) Eat my own head
Because I'm pretty sure it hasn't been done.
Until next time.
BOOM!
mhhhhrrrrr...still alive
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