Does it hurt being retarded?

I found my college!

So today after school I was thinking about what to write when I decided to see if google has picked up my blog yet. You see, no one has dropped by or commented, which kinda depresses me [but don't worry, not in the Emma way...although I do kinda miss her...(sigh)], so I checked google to see if I'm listed yet. I started with googling my name, but that was pretty useless. There are, like, 712 Scott Lanphiers out there. One is an licensed traffic engineer (whatever that means...does he, like, have a license to engineer traffic or something?), one is a guitar player (pretty cool, pretty cool) and one is a fucking nerd (i'm mentally giving you a wedgie right now, fucking nerd).

Because that didn't work, I started googling keywords that I've used in my blog ("...and then she put the blog gag in my mouth and i was like, "mmmmmfffblogblogblog...mggfffffff!" hee hee). Things that would most likely give me a hit. Like "zombie" or "eye jelly" or "LINDSAY LOHAN DOING ANAL" [alright...I didn't use that in my blog, but i'm bound to get hits now ;)], and I found that no fewer than five of the words or terms I used in my last post have been banned from the Queen's English according to the "Lake Superior State University 2007 List of Banished Words".

How...frigging...AWESOME. Sure, according to the sage and learned philosophers of language at "Michigan's smallest public university with an enrollment of 3,000 students, known for its academic programs such as fisheries and wildlife management", my vernacular is sub-par. But my feelings aren't hurt by this. I mean, a bunch of fishers and zoo keepers have called out my vocabulary. But it's cool. They can teach me how to talk properer! We all know what paragons of linguistic excellence those guys are. At any rate, it probably isn't the greatest strategy for Lake Superior State University (i didn't know that lake superior was a state? i though it was a lake! and part of it is in canada, too, so it's part commie lake!) to publish this list of banned words as it may deter some students, students like me, from ever applying to attend their prestigious mecca of learning about how to gut fish and unblock horses' colons?

Sorry. Wild horses' colons.

But I'm bigger than that. I won't let a little verbal challenge deter me from scholastic excellence. I mean...that's probably the reason they only have 3,000 students. Only 3,000 students! They must be awesome. So, I wrote their admissions staff. Here's what I sent.



From: Scott Lanphier <braaaaaaaaains at gmail dot com>
Date: Nov 07, 2007 4:35 PM
Subject: Am I laker material?
To: admissions@lssu.edu

Hey admissions...

My name is Scott Lanphier. I'm 15 years old and a sophomore at TE Lawrence high school (GO SAND MONKEYS!) in New Orleans, LA (that's louisiana, not los angeles...just in case there was any confusion). I know it's a little early for me to be looking into colleges, but I like to get a jump on things. I came across your University website and, I have to say, I'm intrigued. With only 3,000 students, you must be a highly elite school. I wonder if I have what it takes to be a "laker". Let me tell you a little about myself and you can tell me if I'm worthy to be part of your selective student body.

I currently have a 3.8 GPA and my focus is on English. I want to be a writer when I grow up. Do you have any of those where you are? Writers? How about English? Do you have English there, too? I'm also very active in extra-curricular activities like student government and jazz choir. I'm a soloist for my jazz group and we've competed many times. I'm going to be on American Idol someday. Do you have that where you are? American Idol? How about television?

The last thing I should tell you is that I'm a zombie. Some people tell me that I shouldn't call myself a zombie as it's considered an epithet, but I really don't mind. I take pride in my heritage. If you feel uncomfortable with calling me a zombie, you can call me "retched un-dead" or "slow-motion American" if you like. I don't care. Whatever.

Do you offer any zombie scholarships?

Anyways...please get back to me. I'm interested in hearing back from you.

Thanks in advance. I know I have everything it takes to be a laker.

Best,

Scott Lanphier

PS - On your website it says, "Every generation that sets foot in the historical buildings of our campus or walks the ground where many have before, leaves something of themselves for others to find."

What do they leave behind for others to find? Is it, like, fingers and stuff?

I don't know about you, but studying makes me awful hungry.

I hope they get back to me.

Hopety hope hope.

Until next time.

thhhhhllrrrrrrrrrrrm...PWNED!

PS - To the guy who left the comment on the LSSU website's banishment page that reads "When did the notorious Guantanamo Bay Naval Base change to 'Gitmo'?"

The answer is 1903. When the base was established.

PWNED!